To blog or not to blog

Well It has been 2 months and 1 day since I last updated our blog. I have thought about it often but just not been able to bring myself to do it. No one really reads in anyways but it was supposed to be a cool way to reflect back on our journey to growing a baby. 

We should be 2.5 months pregnant but we are not. The IVF was not a success. We were heartbroken and still are. Well for sure I am still. I think M is better at getting over things then me. I just asked her if she was still heartbroken or if she was over it and she said “I dunno – what are you writing”. She said she doesn’t know if she is over it or not – but she is not happy about it and she knows it isn’t going to work so what is the point in worrying about it.

Ahh we are such different people.

So where do we go from here? Our RE said she would look into a discount and then she never wrote us back. We never wrote her back either. We didn’t know what to say. We had a plan to try once only. When it didn’t work I thought maybe another time would work but the reality is that we simply cannot afford it.

Then I still didn’t have a teaching job secured for September and the IVF didn’t work and one day I didn’t feel like getting off the couch and I just felt sad all day. Then I realized – This is all my stressors coming out and what it must feel like to be depressed.  It was not fun. I still can bring myself to tears if I think about the IVF. I feel so guilty for feeling so upset about this all but it really took over my life. There are so many terrible things in the world that could happen and I felt so very selfish for thinking so much about our IVF fail and feeling that it was not fair. 

The job worked out (end of August I might add- a bit too close for comfort). It is typical for teachers in my district who are not permanent yet (ie. younger) to not attain a position year for the school year until the end of summer or even a few weeks after school starts (Ridiculous I know). I actually ended up at the same school I have been at for the last 2 years teaching my favourite age group. I have a k/1 class and I absolutely love them. My happiness is back and I am so very very happy I chose a career I love. 

We finally came to decision on our next step for TTC’ing. We are going to switch to me. It is such a weird place to be in. I should feel excited and happy about starting new and having hope again but I just feel so sad that M will not get the chance to be pregnant. Who knows I might not get the chance either but hopefully we don’t have to cross that bridge. I made the mistake of telling our RE that my cycle was not a perfect as M’s so she has ordered a whole wack of tests to be done (Joy!). They include glucose fasting, HSG, HIV and many other STD’s, Measles, and many many more. Did I mention I am a needle wimp? Also, I have had 2 blood tests done – first one I fainted in the hospital and second one I hugged a puke bucket for about 20 minutes after. The list has over 20 things they are testing my blood for. Oh God. I actually considered calling back and saying I lied and my cycle was great. M wont let me. I am so wimpy. 

Looks like when we start trying it cant possibly be until after Christmas. With all the tests it will take several months. Then there are the complications with job hiring. Do I just go ahead and start trying as soon as a I can? Do I try to time it so that if I get pregnant I wont be showing until after next year of job interviews? Do I just go for it and realise that it will probably take many many tries like it did with M? Will it work at all? Will we ever get to be parents? Oh yah did I mention I hate the unknown…

Okay huge exhale. The update is done. Short version IVF failed, we will start with my sometime within the next year pending I am even fertile.  



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3 Responses to To blog or not to blog

  1. ivfs42 says:

    Don’t worry about the little things and start as soon as you can and if you do get pregnant you won;t even care about the worries you have now. Good luck, the bonus of being gay is you have two uterus to work with. I am sure it will happen for you. I’ll be following your journey and cheering you on 🙂

  2. Jenna, I’ve been thinking of you the past few months. When you didn’t update I figured it was difficult news. You have to take care of yourselves and each other. Breaks from blogs, boards, and just talking about it can be much needed. Good luck with the tests and the planning.

  3. Allison says:

    I can only imagine the disappointment you’re feeling. I think I’m a lot like you and have a harder time moving on from things. Jen is more like M. Like the PP said, the good thing is that you have the option for you to try to get pregnant. I’m so sure that you two are going to get the baby you’re dreaming of. Try to hang in there. I know it’s hard.

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